Teenage Grandpa: The Script
When Adult Swim told me they had decided not to pursue a Snake'N'Bacon series, they briefly indicated that they might be open to a series featuring the Grandpa character's reminiscences about his adventures as Teenage Grandpa. I quickly produced this script before they changed their minds, at which point they changed their minds. I happen to think it's quite funny. Enjoy!
“THE WILD YEARS”
CAMERA PANS DOWN from the sky to a large comfortable house. We move to the interior where we see a door open on KATHY’S head and shoulders.
KATHY
Mother? Mother, are you...
CAMERA PULLS BACK to show KATHY standing in door, MOTHER is sitting on couch next to BEATNIK playing bongos. She is wearing black clothes and a beret and has a cocktail in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other.
KATHY (CONT’D)
Oh, you have friends visiting.
MOTHER
We’re being beatniks today. Oh, aren’t the drums divine. Prance for me, Rodolfo.
ANOTHER BEATNIK leaps to his feet and begins to cavort wildly.
MOTHER (CONT’D)
Prance like an ape!
KATHY
I can see you’re busy. I’ll... go see what Grandpa is doing.
The screen is filled with a gun firing. A thug staggers, holding his chest, and falls. PULL BACK from the hand holding the smoking gun to show Police Lieutenant MOOSE HAMMOND holding the gun, while VENT rushes to his side. VENT is Alan Alda holding a ventriloquist’s dummy, RUFUS HOOHAH. We gradually pull back to see the TV that this is playing on.
MOOSE
I guess you were right about the killer, Vent!
VENT
Patrozzi was just the fall guy, Lieutenant.
RUFUS
I’m not the only dummy in the room!
The Lieutenant’s angry face is replaced by a TITLE CARD for the show featuring Alda and the dummy.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Vent will be right back.
REVERSE SHOT shows GRANDPA, watching TV with the lights down, the light from the TV flashing across his face. KATHY enters behind him. She speaks, startling him slightly.
KATHY
Grandpa?
GRANDPA
Oh! Sorry, you startled me! Just watching a little Vent.
He fumbles for the remote control and turns the sound down.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Lemme just turn it down- it’s the commercials anyway.
KATHY sits down across from him.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
What can I do for you?
KATHY
Oh... I just have, I don’t know, a little problem, and Mother...
GRANDPA
...is entertaining her theatrical friends. Yes. Well, what’s the problem?
KATHY
It’s silly, really I don’t know if you’ll really understand. I mean, I’m sure you never got in trouble when you were my age...
GRANDPA
Heh, heh. Trouble and I were very well acquainted. In fact... I was a juvenile delinquent!
KATHY
You? Grandpa, c'mon!
GRANDPA
It's true!
He tilts his head back as the camera closes in.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
I remember it all so clearly.
A CLOSE-UP of a hand snapping a switchblade open.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The feel of a switchblade...
A leather-jacketed hand shakes a chain.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
the clank of a chain...
A hand pulls a chain and a toilet flushes.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
the flush of a gas-station toilet.
TEENAGE GRANDPA swaggers across the screen.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My gang was the Shinguards...
Three other delinquents appear behind him: BERNICE, BIG NIBS AND BLURRY ED. BLURRY ED has a blurry face. They are all wearing matching leather jackets.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Bernice, Big Nibs and Blurry Ed.
CUT TO the gang on motorcycles speeding towards the camera. ROSA is in a sidecar attached to TEENAGE GRANDPA’S motorcycle.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
We rode hard and fast, and I was their leader!
Camera closes in on TEENAGE GRANDPA.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
They called me... Teenage Grandpa!
TITLE SEQUENCE.
Return to KATHY and GRANDPA sitting in the living room.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
It's true.. I was a juvenile delinquent! Committing greasy holdups in smelly gas station restrooms was our thing! I still feel guilty every time I go to the bathroom.
KATHY
What changed things for you, Grandpa?
GRANDPA
Well, one day...
We return to his flashback, and TEENAGE GRANDPA and his gang sitting down at a table in a diner.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
We had just robbed another gas station bathroom...
BIG NIBS holds out a paper bag, from which he clutches and waves a fistful of condoms.
BIG NIBS
Hey, boss, we sure gotta lot of condoms!
BLURRY ED
We could fill 'em with water an' throw em at the cars goin' into the new highway exit!
BERNICE is stroking TEENAGE GRANDPA’S hair.
BERNICE
Teenage Grandpa's got bigger plans than that. Don't you, Teenage Grandpa...
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Yeah, yeah, I got big plans!
He shoves BERNICE and stumbles up from his chair.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Quit leaning on me! I gotta get some space!
He clumsily moves around the table, bumping into an older man, RC PRESIDENT.
RC PRESIDENT
Hey!
TEENAGE GRANDPA
What? What?
RC PRESIDENT
You're a very rude young man!
TEENAGE GRANDPA sneers and turns away. AL the diner owner comes up to him.
AL
Teenage Grandpa, I'd kick you out if you weren't the most talented young singer ever to set foot in this diner. That was the President of Imperial Records you bumped, a very big shot.
We see RC glaring from his table.
AL (CONT’D)
He looks real sore.
2-SHOT on TEENAGE GRANDPA and AL.
AL (CONT’D)
Teenage Grandpa, I've got a deal I'd like to discuss with you. I'll give you a plate of fries if you'll sing a song to my customers- the lobster thermidor was off...
We see a couple sniffing suspiciously at their food.
AL (CONT’D)
and I think those two over there know it.
Return to TEENAGE GRANDPA and AL.
AL (CONT’D)
Your song could take their minds off it.
TEENAGE GRANDPA jabs his finger at AL’S chest.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Three plates of fries. And a bucket full of cola.
AL
You're a hard bargainer, Teenage Grandpa. But I want that bucket back when you're done with it.
AL walks over to a microphone that comes down from the ceiling and speaks into it as the lights dim and a spotlight comes up on TEENAGE GRANDPA.
AL (CONT’D)
Ladies and gentlemen, please stop smelling your food and give a listen to the mellow sounds of... Teenage Grandpa!
BERNICE stands up and yells from her table.
BERNICE
You show' em, T.G.!
TEENAGE GRANDPA scowls and shakes his fist.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Shut it, Bernice! I told you once already!
He clears his throat. Looking across the diner, he sees an ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN at a table with an older man. He begins singing while staring at her.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
(Singing- all of his songs sound kind of like Elvis doing “All Shook Up.”) My love for you is like diner food.
The fish is fried and the prunes are stewed.
The grease is heavy and full of dirt.
My love for you makes my stomach hurt!
Unh huh huh, huh huh, huh huh huuuuh. Thankyouverymuch.
He finishes to rapturous applause. AL is the first to reach him, followed closely by RC PRESIDENT.
AL
That was sensational!
RC PRESIDENT
Young man, that was the best singing I ever heard! I'd like to sign you to a million-dollar contract! Come with me back to the big city.
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN walks past-TEENAGE GRANDPA’S eyes follow her.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Me? Become a big star?
His gang rushes to his side.
BLURRY ED
Yeah, TG, you should do it!
BERNICE
We'll come along with you to keep you safe.
TEENAGE GRANDPA looks at RC, who is frowning and shaking his head slightly.
CUT TO: TEENAGE GRANDPA and RC driving away in RC’S car. TEENAGE GRANDPA throws a chain out over his shoulder. It lands at a pair of feet, which turn out to belong to BLURRY ED, whose arms are full of rolls of toilet paper. The gang is behind him. The all look shocked as they stare after the car.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
We left while they were robbing the bathroom.
BIG NIBS shakes his fist.
BIG NIBS
We'll see you soon, Teenage Grandpa!
GRANDPA (V.O.)
And I never saw any of them again.
RETURN TO KATHY re-entering the living room, where GRANDPA still sits.
KATHY
I'm back from the bathroom, Grandpa! Please, continue your story!
GRANDPA
Okay!
We see TEENAGE GRANDPA’S face, and the CAMERA PULLS BACK to show that he is wearing a chicken leg costume and standing on a tiny tropical island. Behind him on the island, a fat man in ragged clothes sits looking at him hungrily.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It's an uncomfortable situation being trapped on a tiny island in the Pacific with a hungry fat man when you're wearing the chicken leg costume you had on as part of the "Hooray for Food" musical review on the doomed ship SS Unsinkable.
KATHY (V.O.)
Grandpa, what are you talking about?
BACK TO GRANDPA in the living room.
GRANDPA
I'm sorry, what do you mean?
KATHY
You were telling me about when you were a juvenile delinquent, but then you got signed to a big recording contract...
GRANDPA
Oh! Right...
BACK TO THE FLASHBACK, where TEENAGE GRANDPA is in RC PRESIDENT’S office.
RC is smoking a cigar with SKIP WELLINGTON, another prosperous middle-aged man.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The record company president had big plans for me.
RC PRESIDENT
Teenage Grandpa, meet Skip Wellington! He produces the Peeping Tom Talent Variety Hour on KBBW, and he'd love to have you on as a singing guest, this Friday night!
SKIP WELLINGTON
If you're half as talented at RC says you are, than he'd be claiming that you're twice as good as he says you is.
RC PRESIDENT
Would you sing for us, Teenage Grandpa?
TEENAGE GRANDPA looks at the two men. RC is sitting on the arm of his office chair, while SKIP sits in it. They look at him expectantly.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Look, it's just... I feel a little funny singing to two old guys and...
A door opens next to the desk and BETTINA steps out. She is a lovely.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Well hello!
RC PRESIDENT
Teenage Grandpa, this is my secretary, Bettina Bettinagin. She'll be helping you pick out clothing for your TV appearance.
Teenage Grandpa starts singing while staring at her.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
(singing) The dudes are old,
but the lady’s hot,
looking at her,
what a thrill I’ve got.
Got to get her out of this place, the cigar smoke is makin’ me sick. Unh huh huh, huh huh, yeeaahhh. Thankyouverymuch.
The two older men jump to their feet and begin shaking hands excitedly and patting each other on the back. BETTINA comes up to Teenage Grandpa.
BETTINA
I liked your song... was it about me?
TEENAGE GRANDPA
I don’t see any other sweet little chickadees in this place.
BETTINA
Please, Teenage Grandpa, let’s keep our relationship strictly professional.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
No.
In a MONTAGE, we see TEENAGE GRANDPA and BETTINA shopping, pointing and laughing at things, and finally having a coke together. At the end TEENAGE GRANDPA gets a little irked.
GRANDPA (V.0.)
Bettina helped me buy a new suit. I looked like a million bucks! We had a soda pop together, and she told me she was a virgin but I couldn't come up to her apartment because she lived with her crippled sister.
Shot of the marquee saying “Tonight: Peeping Tom Talent Variety Hour! Featuring Teenage Grandpa!!!”. The camera moves inside the theater, where we see the host, an odd-looking man with glasses, speaking to the cameras.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Friday night, and my name was up in lights. The Peeping Tom Talent Variety Hour was huge!
PEEPING TOM
We’re going to go to commercial now, and we’ll be right back with Teenage Grandpa. (Screams from the audience) I’ll be spying on him from behind this bush over here.
PEEPING TOM goes over to a small bush in the background of the set, and crouches behind it, peering over the top. Card comes up: “Peeping Tom Talent Variety Hour will be Right Back.” Camera moves over to TEENAGE GRANDPA, standing just backstage.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
And I was feeling great until...
SKIP WELLINGTON comes up to TG and claps a friendly hand on his shoulder.
SKIP WELLINGTON
You're looking good, kid. Get ready to go out live to twenty million people.
He walks away, whistling. Teenage Grandpa begins to sweat and shake.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Twenty... million people...
His vision blurs. A SPIRAL appears, then a DEVIL’S FACE laughing.
SKIP’S VOICE
Twenty million people... twenty million people...
BETTINA walks past. She is in sharp focus. TEENAGE GRANDPA points at her.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Bettina! stand next to the camera!
She walks and stands next to the camera. TEENAGE GRANDPA begins singing while staring at her.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
(singing) 20 million people are watching me,
as I sing on the TV,
but I stay calm lookin’ at your face,
it takes me to a peaceful place.
We see the transmission waves going out, people reacting in their homes, the studio audience screaming.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
(singing) Unh huh huh, ohhh yeah. Hunh, huh huh huh, huh hunh huh hunhhhh. Yeeaahhh. Thankyouverymuch.
Shot of newspapers spinning to center screen. First one says “WHEN IS TEENAGE GRANDPA GOING TO MAKE A RECORD?” Second one says “WHEN? WHEN?”
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
The next day's papers all had the same headline...
INTERIOR of RC’S office. RC and TEENAGE GRANDPA.
RC PRESIDENT
We've got to get you into a recording studio right away!
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Well, okay, but...
He hesitates.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Can't we have someone write some songs for me? It's getting kind of hard making up a new song on the spot every time.
RC PRESIDENT
Kid, nobody's ever written down a song before. The only people who ever tried were the ancient Egyptians and they're all dead and buried in these things called pyramids. (pause) I'll organize an expedition.
CUT TO a merchant ship on a dark and stormy sea.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
We organized an expedition and sailed for Egypt the following wednesday. The seas were stormy as we crossed the gulf of isthmus...
INTERIOR: Galley of the ship.
TEENAGE GRANDPA and RC are sitting with a BUNCH OF SAILORS, who all look like hard types. TG seems more callous and sinister in this environment.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
What will you do with your money, Achmed?
ACHMED is a huge dark-skinned bald man wearing an eyepatch.
ACHMED
I will buy a hundred harems! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
RC PRESIDENT
Money? I thought we were going to find out how to write down music.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Oh, right. (Aside) But if we should find the Pharoah's gold, whoever is alive among us may find much to enjoy about it...
BETTINA enters in a filmy nightgown.
BETTINA
What are you men all talking about?
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Nothing, Bettina, please go to sleep. You'll need to be rested for tomorrow's exertions!
She draws close to him and he takes her in his arms.
BETTINA
Teenage Grandpa, I'm frightened! I feel the pharoahs curse calling out to us, welcoming us into it's deadly embrace! You know the prophecies!
TEENAGE GRANDPA
There, there, you know you shouldn't be thinking.
A MONTAGE of their adventures in the pyramid, Scooby-Doo style: TEENAGE GRANDPA, RC and BETTINA using a flashlight to look at some hieroglyphics as a MUMMY staggers up behind them; the three running; ACHMED being torn in two, graphically; and the three doing a musical number.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
In the mummy's tomb, RC and I found the secret of how to write down music, and we all had some frightening moments! It sure was exciting.
MONTAGE CONTINUES with different shots of TG singing, audiences, and records, etc.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Soon I was the number one singing star in the country with hits like "Yank a Little Doodle," "Oregano Mambo" "Snivel Softly, my Darling Coward" and many, many more. It wasn't long before Hollywood came calling.
RC’S office again. RC is on the phone.
RC PRESIDENT
I'll tell him.
He hangs up and points out the window at a bus waiting down on the street.
RC PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
There's a bus outside leaving for Hollywood. Get on it.
BETTINA steps up to TEENAGE GRANDPA. There are tears in her eyes.
BETTINA
Oh, Teenage Grandpa! You won't forget me, will you?
TEENAGE GRANDPA
I'll send for you, as soon as I'm settled.
The bus leaves with BETTINA waving her handkerchief after it.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
And I never saw her again.
BREAK
OPEN ON The living room with KATHY and GRANDPA.
KATHY
So, you were going to Hollywood.
GRANDPA
That’s right.
THE SCENE BLURS and we see TEENAGE GRANDPA sitting next to RATSO RIZZO on a bus.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It was a pretty uneventful bus ride, although the trip was marred somewhat by the death of the small, ratlike man seated next to me.
Passengers, TEENAGE GRANDPA among them, exiting the bus. The press rush up, flashbulbs popping, when they see TEENAGE GRANDPA.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The press was waiting for me when I got off the bus in Hollywood, and by that evening I was in all the Hollywood newspapers.
Newspaper and magazine covers spin into frame: “TEENAGE GRANDPA STANDS NEAR A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN!” “TEENAGE GRANDPA! IS HE BLACKBEARD’S GHOST?” and “TEENAGE GRANDPA GOES TO THE BATHROOM JUST LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.” The last one has a picture of him on the toilet holding his hand up.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I got a harsh lesson in modern journalism.
TEENAGE GRANDPA with a HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER in his office.
GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Soon I had a meeting with a big Hollywood producer.
PRODUCER
I want to put you into the movies, Teenage Grandpa! I'm shooting a new Cream-of-the-Crop Underpants Vegetable Gang adventure tomorrow, and I want you to appear in it!
He hands TG a script.
PRODUCER (CONT’D)
You'll play a guy who shows up and sings long sequences of letters and numerals!
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Okay... but why not real words, why these mysterious letters and numerals?
The producer jabs his finger at him angrily. The he hands TG a slip of paper.
PRODUCER
You'll do as you're told! Show up at this address tomorrow.
He turns and goes over to an odd console, which he switches on.
PRODUCER (CONT’D)
Call x-k7! Calling x-k7!
The screen on the console shows the bearded BOSS in front of the Soviet flag.
BOSS
Come in, 7-J1!
PRODUCER
Good news master! I have succeeded in deceiving the fool American singer, and...
He looks over his shoulder and sees TEENAGE GRANDPA still standing there.
PRODUCER (CONT’D)
What are you still doing here? Go! (Tries to sound nicer) See you tomorrow...
TEENAGE GRANDPA on the street outside- he looks up at the producer’s windows- the producer is up there staring back at him.
GRANDPA (V.O.)
As I left his offices I knew that something wasn't right...
TG ENTERING THE WAREHOUSE where the movie is being shot-activity everywhere.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
The next day I showed up at the studio for the morning's shoot.
He sees the Cream-of-the-Crop Underpants Vegetable Gang- a group of five slightly thuggish-looking men in vegetable costumes.
GRANDPA (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It was exciting to see the Cream-of-the-Crop Underpants Vegetable Gang in person. But then, love entered the picture.
BITSY, a starlet, comes into the frame.
BITSY
Hello, aren't you teenage Grandpa? I loved Yank A Little Doodle. I'm Bitsy, we'll be performing together..
She glances at the script.
BITSY (CONT’D)
Actually those songs they've got you singing are a little weird...
She is shouldered aside by one of the Vegetables, DOM, a man in a corn costume.
DOM
Hi kid... I'm Dom Bedooby, I play corn. How you doing with those songs?
TEENAGE GRANDPA
I think I've got them all memorized...
DOM
Just make sure to enunciate all the numerals and letters in their proper sequence!
The DIRECTOR walks up, rubbing his hands.
DIRECTOR
Hello boys, ready to make some movie magic?
He strolls three steps and whirls, pointing at the actors.
DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
And... action!
The actors look bewildered.
DOM
Okay, who's doing what?
BITSY
Teenage Grandpa was just about to sing us a song!
They all look expectantly at TEENAGE GRANDPA.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Sure! Uhhh... This song is called "Top Secret Codes of Love."(Singing) Kgrs54y,
3ebv,
GRWhysty,
35htder...
ANGRY ARTICHOKE
Enough! You make mistake in sequence!
TEENAGE GRANDPA
What, am I spoiling your plans for world domination?
Thugs appear and surround TEENAGE GRANDPA.
DIRECTOR
Enough! the boy knows too much! Seize him!
They tie him onto a log heading for a sawblade.
DIRECTOR (CONT’D)
We use you to transmit the secret defence codes, but you ruin everything! This is fitting death for such an enemy of the Soviet revolution! Now we escape by submarine.
TEENAGE GRANDPA fumbles in his pocket, coming out with a switchblade, clicks it open.
TEENAGE GRANDPA
Not if my old switchblade is still working...
He slashes his bonds, leaps up and throws it. It flashes through air, cuts BITSY’S bonds, cuts a chandelier so that it lands on three thugs, and hits a self-destruct button. SMOKE AND EXPLOSIONS start immediately as TEENAGE GRANDPA grabs BITSY’S hand and they race out.
TEENAGE GRANDPA (CONT’D)
Come on Bitsy!
The ceiling falls on the director as he shakes his fist and the Vegetables look terrified. TEENAGE GRANDPA and BITSY shoot towards the camera as everything explodes behind them.
DIRECTOR
TEENAGE GRANDPAAAA!!
WE RETURN TO present day and the living room.
GRANDPA
I never returned to Hollywood. But that's a story for another day.
KATHY
Wow, Grandpa. Your story has shown me how hollow show business really is. I’ll tell Janice I’m not interested.
GRANDPA
Yes, I’ve certainly lived an amazing life.
The camera moves past GRANDPA’S smiling face to show a microphone sticking out from behind a picture frame. We follow the wire down the inside of the wall, out the building and to a patch on the phone lines, where it goes to a shabby office on the second floor of another building. There a BORED TECHNICIAN takes off his headphones and turns from the reel-to-reel machine he’s been operating.
TECHNICIAN
Why are we recording this, sir? It's just the ramblings of a crazy old man!
The man he is talking to is a GENERAL IN UNIFORM.
GENERAL
Maybe it is, son...
He turns away.
GENERAL (CONT’D)
But I've got a hunch that old man knows the answer to some of the twentieth century's biggest questions!
He looks at a wall on which are tacked three pictures: JFK, AN ALIEN AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.
END.